Things that Fly!: November 2004

Sunday, November 28, 2004

I'm Listening to a song by Tom Waits right now called 'Cold Water'. It's quiet in my house right now and the song is playing louder that it really needs to be. If I could be an instrument in a song I would be the electric guitar in this song. It's heavily distorted and playing just in the background. The strumming kind of drones in and out. Its not eve a big part of the song it just really catches my attention. It's so care free, and I am quite envious.

Chomsky

In a recent documentary I watched, Noam Chomsky is asked why he does what he does. I like what he says. He explains that it's really just a matter of being able to look yourself in the mirror when you wake up each day. I like that it's not something he's really passionate about. I think if he were passionate he would be less objective and would lose a huge edge he has developed. I can relate too to what he says. A lot of the topics he analyses aren't the sort of thing that make you feel warm and fuzzy. There the sort of things you really don't want to know, but once you find out about there can be no going back and you're happier that you're less ignorant about such unpopular truths.

Friday, November 26, 2004

Happy Buy Nothing Day

Today is Buy Nothing day. I'm just about off to go protest at West Edmonton Mall but I thought I might write a short blurb on here first. I'm going to protest today because too much of our culture is based upon consumerism. Actually it's entirely based on consumerism, and people are living less and less and substituting purchases for happiness. The biggest problem is that spending money doesn't fill the happiness void for very long and thus a horrible cycle is born.

I don't like being a consumer. Consumer isn't even in the right word anymore, we have become plunderers. The earth suffers because of our malice and ignorance. 80% of the world suffers because of our malice and ignorance. And I still don't know all the fact and wish I had them to dazzle you with, but all I have is one large ugly picture of us raping the world to make a buck. Well it's not the way I'd like to pass things onto my children, I hope everyone reading this feels the same way.

Wednesday, November 24, 2004

The Most Random Boy

I can't think of anything to write on here. It's horrible. There are times I just feel so souless. It disappoints me that I'm not in better control of my emotions, my creative abilites. Sometimes loath the fact that it feels like so much weight is on my mind. Yet when any sort of weight is released I worry that I'm not stimulating myself enough, or that I have forgotten some part of myself. I am ambivalance.

I'm doing all right today.

I've been working out lots,
I've been going to Tae Kwon Do lots.
I've been sleeping lots.
I joined an adbusters affilated group in Edmonton and we're planning a Buy Nothing Day Jam this Friday at West Ed.
Guitar is good.
I've become more open to diverse cultural experiences. New Music. New Reading Material. The library has been great.
Work could be better, but today I polished up my very dirty shoes and they're like new. I also bought a new pair of work slacks and a few pairs of dress socks. I think I'll feel a little more comfortable now, I think I shrank my old slacks last week.
Steve phoned me a few days ago from Cambodia and it was really awesome to hear from him. He's got so many stories already and it's good to hear about the personal growth he's going through. Travelling really opens you up to that.
I gotta admit the girl front is pretty dry.
I'm looking for a place close to the university to move out. Hopefully a basement suite somewhere within walking-short biking distance. I want to move out before school next year. I really want a place to myself, but rent is so much cheaper with another person. Insert non-smoking, non-ugly girl here.
If humor was on the biodex I would definately be in a slump right now.
I'm good.

Ummm, check out Mason Jennings, The Waifs, and uh Ten Second Epic. Great Music.

Friday, November 19, 2004

Pack up and go home

We all need to be needed by people who don't need us.

Wednesday, November 17, 2004

There are these lyrics echoing in my mind right now by Dave Matthews "I blindly throw my faith to the face of the next pretty girl to come my way ". The Song is called Granny.

I spend so much time thinking of the person I am, and the person I'd like to be. But it all seems for nothing when sometimes I am so weak. When sometimes I feel like I would throw it all away if I could be the guy 'she' would like. It's a lot to give up-- selling yourself out. And I think of one thing and it tumbles out of control. I think about what it would be to look up at her, catch her eyes across a room and exchange the certainty that we are on eachother's mind. I think about what it would be like to take long liesurely walks. To lay talking for hours about life, hopes and dreams, a future. To share sleep. Just the closeness of another overwhelms me. And all at once I'm crumbling to my knees.

I wish I we're a stronger person. I wish I wasn't someone so easily swayed by a pretty smile and a beautiful laugh.

Monday, November 15, 2004

A hard thing to do

The hardest thing for me to do is to remain objective. I guess that it's a fairly big problem I have. I get so cynical about people and start to stereotype. I had a bad day at work. I was talking to a friend I work with explaining a litany of offences commited upon me by customers (mainly just not being tipped, how greedy am I?). The thing is, and this is disgusting, but it's easier to put stereotypes out of your mind when you're making good money. It's easier to wear the fake smile, laugh at stupid jokes, and pretend you think other people are cool. And it's horrible I just said that. And thats what I said to my co-worker (who incidently saved my ass from being fired during previous slumps in the beginning). I think the attitude I have is absolutely horrible. I hate my job because I'm so fake and fake sells. I hate that my most commoditable asset is something I find deplorable.

So I told her how much I hate my job given the reasons listed above and she gave me a good pep talk about how I was being fake as a way to cleanly slip people into stereotypes. It's true that I sum people up quickly and then just smile. I enjoy serving some people but for the most part I just do the amoutn of work and necessary smiling to make some money. And if I feel like a whore or a robot sometimes it's because I'm just that, and because I let myself be just that.

I don't feel like this is leading anywhere... I'm going to try to stop being fake. I'm going to stop stereotyping my customers. I won't get mad when I don't get a good tip. Yeah I still hate my job because I'm part of a small corporation and subjected to ideals I don't agree with. But I know this is something only temporary. I know that I need to make money to go back to school. And while my loose objective is somehow equating serving pizza with beating children, I have the feeling that I'm exaggerating things a bit.

I need to start putting together more coherant posts.
Cynicism is the biggest opposition to changing the world for the better.
If you chew your toenails you may get foot and mouth disease.
Buy Nothing Day November 26th.

Sunday, November 14, 2004

Where I should Be.

I often wonder about my position in life. To be honest it's on my mind most of the time. It's isn't something so straightforward anymore-- the loops are too many to count. But here is a basic one.

I used to think I would belong to some place else. So I traveled a bit. No real leads there. That's not to say I don't belong somewhere else, just that it didn't feel right looking for other places to be. And so I came back home and began the process of settling in, getting ready for a bit of a rooted life. Towards the end of my travels I picked up a bit of a counter-culture attitude. I think it may have had something to do with bitterness about not actually finding a desolate beach and a beautiful girl.

From this attitude I have so far developed a passionate loathing for authority, governments, corporations, relationships, and popular culture in general. I try my hardest to live my live in direct opposition to so many dynamic forces that I'm not actually living. Living against something isn't living at all. I realize that if Utopia surrounded me I would still find it flawed and ugly. It may just be human nature to desire change and growth-- to hope for a better future no matter how good the present actually is. And so I think I have to let go a bit. I don't mean that I should throw away my direction, or scrutinize my world less intensely. I simply mean that fighting culture, doesn't change culture. It doesn't create new culture, or new ideas.

And its wordy. It's almost like I'm saying that by not fighting I'm fighting. And I think a little ambiguity is good, cause I don't think I've actually made up my mind about what I'm doing. But at this point I just feel that my contributions to our culture would be more beneficial if I took the time to be more innovative about my approach to changing the world. So much of this has to do with building up a language that can be used to discuss matters like this. I just feel like most of the time I'm too intimidated to write out what I'm thinking because I don't know how to relate them using words.

I guess the real innovation is finding the words to convey ideas using existing language. it's hard to keep things simple.

Thursday, November 11, 2004

And death shall have no dominion.
Dead men naked they shall be one
With the man in the wind and the west moon;
When their bones are picked clean and the clean bones gone,
They shall have stars at elbow and foot;
Though they go mad they shall be sane,
Though they sink through the sea they shall rise again;
Though lovers be lost love shall not;
And death shall have no dominion.

And death shall have no dominion.
Under the windings of the sea
They lying long shall not die windily;
Twisting on racks when sinews give way,
Strapped to a wheel, yet they shall not break;
Faith in their hands shall snap in two,
And the unicorn evils run them through;
Split all ends up they shan't crack;
And death shall have no dominion.

And death shall have no dominion.
No more may gulls cry at their ears
Or waves break loud on the seashores;
Where blew a flower may a flower no more
Lift its head to the blows of the rain;
Though they be mad and dead as nails,
Heads of the characters hammer through daisies;
Break in the sun till the sun breaks down,
And death shall have no dominion.

--Dylan Thomas

Wednesday, November 10, 2004

Nothing is Better

My mom wants me to make a list of things I want for Christmas. She still thinks I'm her little boy. She can't afford to buy me anything, the truth is she can't afford to make the mortgage payments on the house we live in. When the alimony runs out from my dad I don't know what's going to happen. My Sister will move out soon with her boyfriend. I want to buy a condo by the end of this year. Living with my mom puts a huge strain on our relationship. I felt a lot closer to her when I was on the other side of the world and talking to her through a telephone. And now that I'm back, things are messy. I make things messier than they are or need to be. I worry about her MS. About how she'll work, where she'll go, and how my sister and I are what makes her happy. But it isn't even us that makes her happy, it is her role as 'mother' that makes her happy. But I don't need to be taken care of anymore, and the truth is that she does. And all at once I see my life spilled out in front of me. And I think of Jack Kerouac, ever able to balance mother with unbrideled adventure. I wish that was me. I don't know what to do. I'm 21 and desperate for total independence. But she's my mother and I won't leave her behind---no matter how different we are.

A truly frustrating situation, especially given I have at least 5 more years of school left, and I'm barely in the postion to be supporting myself. I don't know what to do.

In other news... (they don't actually say that on the news do they?). I rejoined Tae Kwon Do last week. I left 4 years ago just before testing for my second degree blackbelt. I have forgotten everything now and I'm quite a sight to see. Not to mention am I ever out of shape. It feels so good though. After each session, I am so exhausted a blissful dreamy wave passes over me.

Also, this past week I had the opportunity to discover a new radio station. CKUA. For the past few months I've been driving in my car with the radio turned off. I just got sick of all the stupid over played songs, and constant advertisements from stations like the bear, 96x, and JOE FM. I just didn't think I had an Alternative. On the way to work one day I saw a bumper sticker for CKUA and tuned in. It has an awesome diverse amount of programming. While I don't like all the music they play, I've also discovered CJSR and a couple classical stations. I'm definately soaking up the diverse spectrum of FM now. Steering clear of horrible pop-culture. I listened to an awesome program of 20's-40's jazz on the way home tonight. Nat King Cole. Man that was music. Gets you thinking and makes you happy, not like...well today's music. Britney Spears makes me want to gag on spoons until I die.

Theres a link to CKUA on the right, follow it and then click on the Listen live button.

Thursday, November 04, 2004

Utility

In economics Utility is a measure of Happiness (I always used to get the giggles imagining a plotted graph with "utils" as a unit of measurement--it sounds like some sort of special dessert fork or an oddly shaped brass instrument). Economics is based on the principle that people make informed decisions in order to maximize their utility. In a purchasing situation if product A is equal to product B but cheaper, then choose product A for a maximum dollar/utility average. I guess this is something I agree with. It makes sense. It gets entirely more complicated when you factor in things like brand loyalty, corporate mindshare, and substitutable products.

What I don't agree with is the fact that happiness is a measure of material consumption. I remember reading an Economics journal article about cost-offsetting. Basically they found out how much money it would take to offset the loss of happiness from things like recently lossed loved ones, divorce, loss of job, etc. There is an actual monetary value average that exists that would make someone happy if they lost their wife (around 280 000 for a male 20-30 years old, if I remember correctly). That last sentence destroys the idea of money for me. It disgusts me thinking about that. It makes me sick to think of money as a vehicle of happiness. It's like equating hours of labor with watching a beautiful sunset, or kissing your children goodbye before school.

I am not the exception. I find myself living less and thinking more about moneys hold on me. I think about my power as a consumer. What shall I buy? If I'm not buying something what am I saving for? If I'm not saving for anything what am I doing? And I like that that last question I can't answer. I like that answering the question is finding a way to live without the horribly oppressive mindset that money has enforced.

At the same time I understand the need for a system of exchange. I don't want to "throw the baby out with the bath water". I just don't have a solution--- But if I had to start somewhere it would be at the beginning. Give it all up, tear it all down. Back to Zero. No corporations allowed. Personal responsibility, not limited liability. Grassroots. Support local economies. Buy local products. Beyond that, just live your life. Stop working endless hours to support a fruitless material addiction. Look to family, friends, and loved ones for increases in "utility". Laugh at jokes they make instead of made-up characters on prime time TV. TURN OFF your TV and go paint a picture, write a poem, run a marathon, have sex, make dinner, go for a walk. It's disgusting I can't even think of anything else because TV has become the solution to everything.

Holy biggest and most disconnected rant ever.

Tuesday, November 02, 2004

1. If you don't try, you'll never know how far you could have gone.

I live my life as though I am in recovery. It's not a positive sort of control. It's living with the fear of conceding any ground to the unfamiliar. While I'm not satisfied with the present and want to move forward, I'm just too scared to move. I'm scared of anything that feels good. I'm scared to lose myself in anything too passionately. There are a lot of things I Love, but nothing that is the center of my life. And I might be talking about a girl, but that's not even it. I'm scared to invest myself in anything too much, because I think I might lose it. Or I think in the end it might not meet my expectations. Maybe the girl won't like me. Maybe I won't be the best guitar player in the history of mankind. Maybe I won't succeed in bringing down a system I don't like. And because I have such high expectations of myself, I'm afraid to even get started. I'm not even living anymore, I'm just watching the starting line. And I'm so sick of wasting my time thinking about nothing and everything. I'm tired of waiting for someone or something to come along and change my life. I want to give that control away, but I am so foolish to think someone will be able to act in all the directions I wish to move. I know there's something in me, but it is so frivolous to speculate how far it will take me. I guess I need some sort of motto to live by. I think I'll start a list. 1. If you don't try, you'll never know how far you could have gone.

Things that Fly!