This Beautiful Girl
This Beautiful girl is digging deeply through this blog in an effort to find what can only be fear. She's looking for answers and finding questions. She's doubting herself. She's doubting me. She wonders about the person she thinks she knows compared to the person she thinks she discovered. Measuring the disparity and wondering. Thinking about the possiblities and wondering. Finding hope and wondering. Looking for the dark side and wondering. And she'll keep thinking about these things until shes back in my arms and the truth is written in the present and not on an internet post.
If this is the place you look to find answers about me then look no further than this post. And once you've looked at this post close this blog. And once you've closed this blog close your eyes. I've seen your eyes enough to memorize them and consequently is must be the same for you. I think you'll find everything you need or want to know written right there. It's not about words anymore.
On a side note check out Jayme's Blog (Link on right) best blogger ever. I wish I could put together comprehensive blogs with such researched links etc. She could definately take over the internet.
Whoring myself and selling winks
So the counter flipped 4 digits today. It's not like I'm celebrating or anything, I know most of you suckers will never return to bear witness to my take over of the internet. That stops now though. I've decided that whoring myself to the internet is a viable alternative to actual work. Once I start pouring out great ideas and awesomeness all of you will be compelled to return and read and re-read my antics. As soon as I've gathered a large enough audience I'll get banners on here advertising for some equally uncomodifiable product and start making money off the massive traffic I pull through. I'll retire a few years from now a wealthy online entrepreneur, cease posting, fade into history and buy a small island to grow old on and forget about the internet. It's really a plan of escape, are you with me?
I sat down tonight to some live music at Blues on Whyte. I don't go often but I always thoroughly enjoy the times I do. I watched a band of five play for an hour and a half and my mind filled with all matter of thoughts. I'm not sure I can dispense them in any order not resembling chaos, but what follows will be my attempt.
So there were 5 guys on stage. They were amazing. I think that about most live music, unless they suck. However, these guys were great. They got me thinking about music's position in our culture. I'm not talking about that pop-culture-hilary-duff-britney garbage, I'm talking about music where you can see the musicians passion. The bar was empty, there was seriously more people on stage than people watching. Despite this the band played with such passion. I watched in amazement wondering how many years each member had spent developing their skills. And watching them play for the four of us, it's not hard see how they don't really play for anyone but themselves. It's love I think I saw tonight, could only be love. It's not witty commentary between characters in a staged sitcom, but I would graciously spend hours of my day in front of that kind of entertainment than glued to a television. I couldn't understand why the bar wasn't filled with a similarly open jawed audience.
Danny broke up with his girlfriend tonight. It wasn't a healthy relationship. Sitting there watching the band play he tells me that he's hurtin'. I think instantly of a novel I read by Nick Hornby which was made into a pitiful movie, High Fidelity. The protagonists girlfriend breaks up with him because he doesn't want to commit to marriage. Immediately after this break up the protagonist asks himself a series of questions. "Who am I going to have sex with next?". "Do I know this person?". "Is it a friend of a friend?". It's not that he's a shallow guy. It's just the first thing that crosses his mind. Relationships end up being so much more than their definitive biological purpose. But maybe flashed before your eyes you'll wonder why it is you ever got together and see something that doesn't really make as much sense as you thought. Beautiful complications line every corner. And when you thoughtfully look back on them you'll see a lot more than just sex.
I don't know why I'm sharing this so liberally, and I'm sure Danny would appreciate some respect in this matter... But I also know he likes what he reads so I'll go on.
Danny talked to me about sex with his girlfriend a lot. I guess maybe that's why High Fidelity crossed my mind tonight. Danny talked about a lot of other things regarding his relationship with his girlfriend but none as interesting. And I don't mean to gossip, I'm trying to make a point. He loved her. I saw the same passion in him about his girlfriend that I saw between the guitarist and his guitar. It wasn't something he articulated well (and Danny is quite articulate), but everything he told me inspired me. The beginning. The Bliss. The end of the honey moon. Hardship. Hope. Doubts. The idea that love could be temporary finally taking hold, and the end. It didn't last for all eternity but it was still beautiful. It followed a familiar pattern (I guess there is only a choice of unending or ending when it comes to relationships, and if you have to consciously choose unending than you're really headed in the same direction as ending). Danny's relationship had all the elements you would expect, but never really find in real life. I don't know anyone besides Danny who has actually had a relationship like that. It wasn't perfect but it was real life. This deserves to be said again. It wasn't perfect but it was real life. In as much as I didn't envy the chaotic stories of up and down, or the sometimes cliche ideas of romance, I very much envied Danny's attitude of hope and practice of spoken theories.
I think I've said too much of nothing without enough meaning. I think you get what I'm saying anyways Danny. I know it's a shitty deal, and you feel like an asshole in combination with your own feelings of loss, but try and think of whole relationship instead of just the end. And of course know that I have so much respect for you and your ability to live actions and not words.
Not Carb Friendly
Enter two middle aged, heavy set women, jabbering back and fourth with excited enthusiasm who look like they've just stepped out of a Dr. Phil Show
Me: Hey how's it going today? Welcome to Boston Pizza, can I [interrupted by customer 1]
Customer 1: Do you know what low carb means?
Me: Uh I think so. Would you like me to bring you our low-carb menu?
Me Inside 1: It's like when they take the food up to space and let monkeys decide what tastes better right?
Me Inside 2: Yeah, I'll start you guys off with a couple of sticks of celery.
Customer 2: Yes bring us a couple of those menus, and you do you have that new low carb coke drink here? Can we get a couple of those?
Me: We have Diet Pepsi.
Me Inside 1: We have Diet Pepsi. There aren't any carbs in it at all. That shit coke is selling is a total fucking scam, you idiots buy it because you're sheep at the mercy of every advertisers whim.
Me Inside 2: We have Diet Pepsi. It doesn't have any carbs and contains an artificial sweetener known as saccharine. You might be interested to know that your whole lives as consumers have already been worked out through the recorded behaviors of rats in a cage and their response to saccharine.
Customer 2: I guess Diet Pepsi will do, but let them know we want to see that coke drink in here.
Me inside 1: I'll let
them know.
Returning to take food order after bringing two low-carb menus and two diet pepsi's.
Me: You're all decided here?
Customer 1: Yes, We'll take a couple of meal sized Caesar Salads, triple dressing, extra bacon, hold the toast (It's really horrible for you) and a two orders of dry ribs to start.
Me Inside 1: Would you like us to deep dry the "salads" for you with the Dry ribs or should I just bring a side of lard with your meal?
Me: Anything else for you?
Customer 2: are you sure this is diet pepsi, it tastes funny compared to the regular stuff.
Me: Can I bring you another, or a different beverage perhaps?
Customer 2: Will it taste the same?
Me: Yes
Me Inside 1: Not after I spit in it.
So I don't actually spit in peoples drinks. I'm a pretty nice guy. I don't always enjoy my job, but I understand it as a means to put me back in school and in an apartment of my own. For this I respect the people who I serve. I turn off my brain in short spurts so that I may converse with people who might otherwise make me more cynical about humanity. I do this for their sake because I know that deep down people are good and that I still have hope for our culture.
This carb thing has caught a particularly nasty side of me. I can't believe how ignorant the majority of our culture is.
1. Why are you on a low carb diet? You're likely on it because you want to lose weight and look better. Why do you want to look better? Because you watch too much TV where bikini clad anorexic models with impossible proportions are prancing around in trashy reality TV shows. To be like them would be cool right? Not so much.
2. I'm all for eating right (read balanced not anti-carb) and being healthy. It isn't healthy to follow the herd off a cliff to achieve an impossible body shape. If you want to lose weight get your ass on the stair master, and try a little exercise instead of going carb crazy.
3. I particularly detest how everyone is catering to everyone else with this carb thing. McDonalds, Subway, Boston Pizza, Coke and Atkins Atkins Atkins. This is a proof of the failure of Capitalism. Ideally in capitalism producers seek to inform consumers about their products so that consumers may make informed decisions and decided what's best for them. The trouble is that no real information about the products is presented, the consumer isn't informed. The producers product is simply paired with a provocative (usually intensely sexual) image and led to believe the two are connected. I can tell you right now, 100%, you will not look like Britney Spears if you chow down at any of the food places I listed above or waste yourself away on an Atkins supplement diet.
4. This is your life and it's ending one minute at a time....I can only think of ideas like "carb friendly" as "anti-living" don't waste your life away on advertised fads.
The literal translation of Deja Vu is "already seen". Most people are familiar with this feeling, a certainty that you have already experienced newly unfolding events. What most people never consider is the opposite occurence-- Jamais Vu-- which translates as "never seen". Consider the feeling of bewilderment as you perform some action that you know you've done thousands of times before but nevertheless cannot figure out what you're doing.
It's never happened to me, but it's a nice dream. It's a nice dream because I think if we all lived in a perpetual state of Jamais Vu we may never settle down to a stagnant status quo. Fresh perspectives would be endless. You'd be able to show recognition and familiarity towards ideas and actions, but approach everything--life-- with a clean slate. No rigid hand of the past to control your actions or thoughts. Sometimes I think I'd like to live with no memory, there are so many things I'd like to rediscover, to look at with new eyes.
I have to balance things out I suppose.
http://plagiarist.com/poetry/3142/ A favorite poem...one read in the movie "Patch Adams".
Omniscient Dream
Infinitesimal component,
Namelessly contingent gadget.
Found myself to be just that;
A rat,
A cat,
A straw feathered hat.
A ball glows red,
Their futures led.
A mile high lie;
The bottom’s seen.
Green roots and grass;
The bellows steam.
Now there black;
Omniscient dream.
I predict old men and vintage beer,
Weddings of friends of friends to fear,
The short telephone cord and hollow glass screen,
Whole wheat bread and real ice cream.
I predict methods tried and true,
Concrete towers with a horrible view,
The dawn of mechanical madness,
The age of unending sadness.
I predict motorized carriages,
Stagnant short marriages,
Answers in a bottle,
The quick zippy throttle.
I have seen it all to come,
Broken down and had no fun.
I’ve cried in the hands of another,
Looked for love in a heartless brother.
These things I know have all come true,
And not one thing has been better for me or you.
I question the in between but I embrace it. I used to think, destruction of my whole world and nothing less would bring about change in my life. There are just too many ideas I hold onto that I don't believe in. I have been programmed. And I realize this but the mere realization is not in itself letting go the the destructive (Not destructive in the sense that they act to destroy me, but rather limit me in my potential and desire to seek out new experiences) ideas that govern my life.
So about programmed ideas. People will always tell you they think for themselves. They don't. They're not lying to you, but the majority of people simply have no idea how much the culture that surrounds them influences their thoughts and actions. Responses become quick, but thoughtless. Conversations drag about what was on television last night. People ponder finance options for import sports cars instead of life, culture and humanity. And I guess what I'm saying is that life, culture, and humanity are what we should be thinking about. We have a rich history of art, literature and philosophy that we should be pushing into the future. But as a majority we drag out heels, we're more interested in which celebrity is wearing which designer fashions and make the loose object of our lives the pursuit of imitating an already hollow idea.
I am not above this. I fight hard to find new ideas and reprogram myself. These ideas are hard won and the biggest enemy of free thought is time. It takes so much time to break free from the ordinary and expose yourself to new perspectives. After working a full day, finding time to eat and sleep, what's left is a handful of thoughts with little hope to change ones life.
So besides this being a relatively choppy post, I would like to deposit the following message. Revolution in your own life will not be over night. Change is not one time process. Make change the basis of your life. Let revolution take the time frame of eternity. To me, to cease embracing unique life changing situations would be like to stop thinking. How many people plan to just stop thinking?
"I say, may I never be complete..." --Tyler Durden
Unraveled
I've been seeing a lot of this girl lately. I can't get enough of her. Time spent with her doesn't feel like time spent at all. Never before has the clock been such a lethal weapon. Happiness envelopes me.
I think as a direct result of this happiness I have been unable to post (at least anything decent). She is like a strong dose of anti-cynicism with the effect of paralyzing any of my known writing abilities. I would really like to write about her but I don't have the words or the necessary style.
Besides lacking my usual cynicism, I think I just might be too scared to actually write. I fear that I might say something previously uncharacteristic and lose affection as a result. What it comes down to really is a fear of myself. Now this is a familiar battle ground (see previous 100 posts). I'm afraid that she'll see me for someone that I'm not. I am a person who views everyday as a huge opportunity for learning and growth and I am consequently afraid that I may spontaneously change into someone she may not like, or that time will reveal a professed side of craziness in myself.
This is where my thought thermometer explodes and I put things in perspective. This girl is amazing and while I know she can't possibly know everything about me, I know I don't know everything about her. But I'm excited to discover her and equally excited for her to discover me. I'm a weird guy. I know that. I think it's alright, and I think she might think so too. What follows is the interesting part that I've been otherwise trying to avoid, just being myself and not being afraid.
I Know this wasn't a terribly interesting post, and definitely not in my usual style, but I think it's something I needed to get out of my system. It may also help to explain the possible change of tone or topic etc in posts to come.
