Things that Fly!

What adds up

I think that change is a necessary part of the future. It involves two obstacles for me.
1. Resistance to alter the ways of the past. The past (present) works. If it didn't work you wouldn't be here right now. The possibility exists that it could always be better though; we're early in the game and there are still plenty of cards to be dealt.
2. Resistance to find the new ground of the future. To react spontaneously and measure my effect on the world. The possibility exists that I could impact this world fundamentally. People who say it can't be done--it can be done (refer to past historical figures).

Now I'm not saying I want to be a historical figure, that was just a making a point. What I'm saying is I'm scared to move--this has been my position from the beginning of my life. I'm scared to take hold and find footing. I'm scared but at the same time I almost see no other choice now. I feel as though I've been living a sort of medicated life. That I feel so cold and unemotional. I know that I've done so much in the past 3 years to change my life; I've finished half a degree, I've traveled the world, I've learned guitar, I've begun to educate myself about the battles I want to fight in this world, and I have loved. But right now, this instant, none of that counts. I mean I don't keep score anyways, but I know that my potential is so much greater. I know that I have so much more to give this world and so much more to learn from it. I know this. I feel like right now I'm stuck at this locked door, and behind this door is my potential, I just need to find the right key.

And maybe I'm waiting for some small push, one little idea to help me reach a critical mass in my mind and break the door down. But more and more it feels like I'm waiting for someone. Someone to share this whole experience with. Am I afraid that it will have been all a shame if done alone? Am I scared to make the next step by myself? I don't even know what the next step is.

This is about doubt. I doubt myself. I doubt whether the path so clearly laid out in front of me is the right one for me. I doubt if I'm strong enough. And these little doubts add up, and I want someone with me in case I'm not strong, but I think I have to realize I need to be strong enough to make it by myself from the beginning. I think I just needed to write some of this out.

posted by Rob and Lauren @ 2:05 AM