Tuesday, August 31, 2004

Could you be loved

Bob Marley.

There are about a dozen books on my desk right now on topics ranging from star gazing to eco-friendly architecture, from philosophy to fitness programs. I look at them all scattered around me, half read, open to various pages and see them for what they are-- a mess of my life.

What am I looking for? Why does my life feel so shapeless. I thought that I would be more passionate about my quest to change the world. My homepage right now is http://www.sustainability.ca/ which has the slogan "...If not now, when? If not us, who?" but that's all I know-- the slogan. Lately I've been working a lot and haven't had time to do greater investigation...But maybe that's not true since I have enough time for stars gazing, and house building. I feel at odds with myself. Like sometimes I'm wearing kaleidoscope googles and every shake and turn distorts an already unpercievable reality, bringing me no closer to any real view of the world and my place in it.

Things with the girl at work are cool. I haven't asked her for coffee yet. It seems like we have a bit in common. She likes emo music and is impressed I even know what it is, though Dashboard is one of my favorite bands. She tells me stories about her friends and her life, and though these aren't of a magnificent nature, I think 'wow, someone normal not afraid to lead a normal life' and I am both envious, attracted, and quiet. I want her to know that I love to play guitar, that I'm not impressed with our culture but I'm hopeful for the future (go recycle!), that I love going to art-house films on whyte, cold days and warm clothes, and that I drive in my car with the radio off because it gives me time to think. I want her to know intimate details about me, but I'm scared the more she knows the sooner she'll find out I'm a scam. That I am passionate about being passionate, with no real passion. That I will never think I'm the best at guitar, recycling, or even wearing warm clothes. The more I think about it the more I realize this is a girl I could handle right now if I put away all my unconventional fears and just took a small leap.

I can't believe I can do a backflip with out fear of spinal reprisals but I'm afraid to ask a girl to coffee.

Sunday, August 29, 2004

In six days I'll be 21 years old.

Saturday, August 28, 2004

I heard once that in the native language of the Inuit they have more than 200 words for love, or was it snow? I can't remember. In any case you have to admire any culture pursuant of finding the words to express themselves. So much of what we are able to think seems limited by the words we can use. You can share love with someone but love is just an arbitrary word that could mean a smile or the universe. I wish I had more words to describe my lack of words.

Wednesday, August 25, 2004

Breathing cool air quickly

I just got back from a run. It took me 16 minutes to run 4 kilometers. I'm going to make it my goal to run a 5 minute mile before winter comes. In addition to the fact that I'm trying to bulk up about 15lbs. I really enjoy working out. I used to look at it as such a chore-- mainly because I had so many other things going on. It's hard to go to school and work and stay in shape. But now that I'm just working, cultivating my free time has been quite a pleasure. I read the newspaper in the mornings. I cook sometimes and my general living area is much cleaner than usual. I leisurely browse the library, and enjoy reading before bed. I like how sometimes I get the feeling that I can't put my guitar down, but that there is no urgency to do so. I should hang out with friends more, but honestly I have a pretty good time just hanging out with myself. And after 8 months of hanging out with people, personal time is pretty awesome. I hope I can take up a couple more hobbies. I wouldn't mind taking a couple photography courses or getting back into Tae Kwon Do--I'd like to teach a couple times a week....But I don't want to ruin the great time I'm having right now.


Tuesday, August 24, 2004

Round Here

I realize that in order to affect change I have to plant myself. I have to build a pyramid with the widest base possible, it has to be big enough to hold me while I'm holding the world I want. And I have to constantly be making the choice not to throw this away. I know that once I get going it will be easier to avoid the constant distractions that are my present life. I won't dream that happiness could come from such whims and fantasies as driving all night and all day to Mexico.

List time. I like Lists.
  • The library is my new life. Base building. Get a library card.
  • Counting Crows are pretty cool.
  • I can make clicky-mute sounds with my guitar now. Me=Kindergarten. Dave Matthews=PhD.
  • I was thinking about Law, corporate law. I think it's the only way to get at the evil corporations that are maliciously destroying the world. Is there such a thing as environmental law? I have two years left of a Bachelors to figure that stuff out.
  • The girl at work is getting cuter.
  • The guy typing is getting more intimidated.
  • I'm looking at a new car, a Toyota echo or a Saturn ion. There both pretty small cars and really fuel efficient. I kind of want a used car because it would mean I contributed to less pollution as a by-product of the production of a new car, but it might actually be cheaper to buy a new car than spend money fixing up a used one.
  • Next time you're at the grocery store, try choosing an organic alternative. Superstore has a pretty good selection-- which I'm sure will become broader in response to consumer demand. Less chemicals and Genetically modified foods= Healthier lifestyle.
  • PS Did you know that dairy cows are kept on a hormone that tricks the cows body into thinking it's constantly pregnant so that it is always producing milk. Holy shitty. Poor cow. I might be switching to soy.

Saturday, August 21, 2004

Brooding moody

I don't know why I let myself get into these horrible self pity/lonely moods. I don't know why I sometimes like it. I know it's no good and will lead me no where, but sometimes it feels good to curl up into a tight ball and just loath everything.

I was at the library today picking up some books (what else would I be picking up at the library?) and I saw a greeting card that said "Be the change you want to see in the world". It struck a chord with my mood. I know that I don't want the world to be a brooding moody loathing curled ball. I think I need to take things less seriously and just be myself more. Fuckin eh. Yell at being normal.

I saw a movie last night called "Garden State". In it a hamster died because it didn't know how to get off the hamster wheel. So they buried it in a pet cemetery in their backyard. I saw a movie today called "Pieces of April" where on a road trip they hit something like a squirrel or a rabbit (they weren't sure upon inspection). Anyways they had a road side funeral burying the dead animal. I don't know why the coincidence sticks out in my mind more than the fact that a mother died in the first movie and in the second movie the mother was terminally ill with cancer. I think I should maybe stop subjecting myself to death-themed movies. I'm no longer brooding moody.


Each step was about a foot high.


Troupe of Monkeys at the second temple.


Sitting Buddha


Playful dogs at the first temple.


Giant laying Buddha. Krabi, Thailand.

You've got a fast car

...I want a ticket to anywhere. I still feel like that last post (space to think). Actually I think I might have taken too much, or maybe I'm allergic--I didn't check the 'best before' date.

May 17th 2003 --Ao Nang, Krabi, Thailand.
I woke up kind of early today and walked over to 7-11 to pick up a yogurt drink (I wish I could even give it a funny name but the writing on the bottle is all Thai). I also stopped by the scooter rental place and rented a scooter for the day. It only cost me 4 dollars (and I had to leave my passport--a little worried). After cruising around for a bit I headed back to the bungalow to wake Kim up. After checking out some local maps and reading about some temples in the LP (lonely planet) we stowed some water in the trunk and headed off.

I should point out that I've never ridden a scooter before, and while it's not very difficult anyone who saw me starting off and stopping must have recognized ume for the novice that I am. It was awesome once we were going though. The warm air feels just the right temperature rushing by you on the highway. And the scenery that unfolds is quite spectacular.

The first temple was of this giant Buddha laying under a huge cliff. Except for a few playful dogs we were the only ones there. The LP said it was maintained by a single monk, but we didn't see him. The second temple was a lot more interesting.

Before we could go to the second temple we needed to fill up some gas (they give you the bike on empty). When we finally managed to get to a gas station, the attendants must have thought us mad. Coming to a wobbly stop, I didn't know what type of gas to put in let alone where the gas tank was. To complicate things a bit more no one spoke English of course. Nevertheless after a few minutes everything was sorted out and we were on our way with a full tank of gas for only 2 dollars!

The second temple was a lot bigger than the first, but before we began exploring we decided to sit down to a bite to eat. Any need for confirmation that we were in a third world country came during that meal. Millions of flies all over the meat and vegetables and wild turkeys running around looking for scraps. All in all a good phad Thai (noodle veg dish) though.

After finishing lunch Kim walked earnestly up to the fruit stand with the hopes of buying some pineapple only to discover it was invested with bugs. The most hilarious part of this was that Kim still wanted the pineapple! She's a bit of a filthy person (Ha!) and I had to strongly discourage her from buying the rotting fruit.

After feeding some monkeys (Kim got attacked by one) we scouted around. Checked out some cool Buddha statues and then proceeded to climb a 1237 step stair case up a freakin' mountain. It was exhausting. I told Kim it was for mental cleansing and she told me it was for killer legs. At the top we had the greatest view ever. We could see the ocean, which was probably like 25 kilometers away from how high we were. And there was a huge colorful Buddha at the top as well.

When we made it back to the bottom I had two bottles of gatorade and two bottles of water. It was stupid of us to climb that mountain with only one bottle of water each in 40 degree weather.
Anyways Kim decided that it would be fun for her to drive home. lol. I think I said that I trusted her but actually I was scared for my life. She drove half the way home and then let me drive again thank god. We spent the rest of the afternoon on the beach relaxing. Had dinner at one of the surprisingly many Italian restaurants and then spent the evening shopping for fake t-shirts and fake DVD's.

I wonder what we'll do tomorrow.

I wish I had more days like this now. Today I went to the doctor cause I sprained my wrist somehow. The weather kind of sucks today too. I'm in a bad mood. I want to be funny, but feel in a general state of medicated apathy. Ugh.

Wednesday, August 18, 2004

i think i need some space to think

This was me last night.

Tuesday, August 17, 2004

The itch

Sometimes I get in this mood where nothing fits. Like absolutely nothing. I turn on the TV, realize I don't watch TV and shut it off. I put down the book I'm reading, pick up another, put that one down and pick up the previous; I listen to 15 songs a minute--each not quite fitting; I even change my clothes cause the colors and fabric feel squishy or not squishy enough. I try phoning friends but don't really feel like talking. I try organizing sentences into more coherent rambling but it all comes out jumbled and I just want to bounce out of this chair.

Me. Harrily, scarrily, running down the street. Quietly, hoarsely yelling.

I feel like the appropriate thing to do would be to turn the TV back on, wait till some gold bond commercial came on, and phoned the 800 number to see if they had something that could alleviate mental chaffing. Oh. Man.

Monday, August 16, 2004

Crayons

Yesterday I was at Superstore and noticed the peopled frenzy of the stationary supply section (back to school). Not wanting to look out of place I hustled to the nearest pack of bic pens and pretended to be earnestly scrutinizing the difference between ball point and fine point. As I continued my charade of back-to-school-student I noticed a pack of Crayons. I looked at them for a bit, sniffed them, almost bit into one and then decided it was too much of a happy-kid moment to pass up and I discretely placed them in my basket. I wish there were more nostalgic items of childhood I could blissfully induldge in. Besides buying crayons I actually managed to pick up some groceries and cook my family supper.

So I think I kind of have a crush on a girl at work. Do I get crushes anymore? What's with the backwards boy week? Next thing you know I'll want a puppy for Christmas and a new collection of pogs. But actually this girl is kind of cool, really kind of unexpected and not knock-out gorgeous in any way except when she's laughing and smiling. I feel so stupid because really I'm the worst guy when it comes to girls. I just don't have a clue. There's a larger even more ridiculous story here but I'll save it for another blog when the ridiculousness has more fully developed.

Filled the gas up today. $55.60. Profanity loudly slipped from my mouth as I turned to put the nozzle back on the pump.

Saturday, August 14, 2004

To do

So tomorrow is my first (or second?) day off from my new job at Boston Pizza. At first I was a bit nervous about it, but I've got the hang of it now, and I'm in a pretty successful groove. Tips get better everyday, which must mean I'm doing a better job! And the people are so friendly, I'm looking forward to getting to know everyone.

Anyways I have a lot of stuff to get done tomorrow. Last week I successfully implemented recycling. It's something I'll have to stay on top of, mainly because I'm not great at this recycling bit myself and I'm supposed to be leading my mom and sister. If this works out well I'm going to start a small compost worm bin in the basement to eat food scraps.

Recycling was easy to start, I just needed another bin, but when it comes to trying to reduce energy consumption in my house I've encountered strong resistance. For some reason my mom loves to turn the TV on and then walk out of the house to go gardening or to work. She says she leaves it on for the animals to watch! Frustration! I know that it will come with time though-- most people are opposed to change. I also managed to install a computerized thermostat that will be a real energy saver in the winter.

Tomorrow I'm going to clean out the refrigerator and organize the food a little better. Today I found a container of yogurt 2 months old. My mom adamantly refused that there could possibly be any other bad food in there but I know that food goes unchecked in there a lot. It will give me a chance to see what we actually eat. I've been cooking more lately and I'm going to try cooking a couple meals a week for the family. I'm trying to switch our family over to more healthy food. Not that we eat badly, I would just like us to be eating healthier food with a greater organic base.

Besides that I need to get my sister a birthday present. She'll be turning 20 august 22nd. There's about a two week period where we're both 20 and she loves to rub it in. I also need to work out. Drop off and pick up some books from the library and go grocery shopping for some healthy food to put in the hopefully cleaned fridge. Finally I need to iron my uniform. Finish university. Find a beautiful women to lustfully fall in love with. Travel a bit more. A lot more. Buy a condo in Thailand with a view of the sea and sunset. Oh and change the world....So it might not all get done tomorrow, but thinking big never hurt.

Friday, August 13, 2004

Try Try Try

I'm kind of in a bad mood right now. I can't make up any stupid songs on my guitar, and usually that's funny but today I just wish I could express myself decently. The chords are there, but all I could come up with for lyrics are things like "Nothing tastes like honey" and "Danny needs to get his nose split open so he doesn't snore". Besides a serious lack of creative judgment contributing to my mood; I just got the pictures from my trip developed yesterday.

I took about 600 on my digital camera but only got about 480 developed. They're awesome pictures, but flipping through them can be a bit emotional. And I don't mean teary eyed bunny weepy emotional, I mean intense, desire sort of emotional. It reminds me of the reasons I left my life to go traveling in the first place. I wanted adventures and distractions from life. And while I was living those adventures and distractions I didn't think much of them, but now that I can see them all layed out on paper, and I can compare the daily routine of my life to them--it puts me in a sad state.

I think I might also be suffering mental fatigue from licking like a million little album picture corners to put them all into albums, it seems a task that will never be complete.

I long for another distraction.

Wednesday, August 11, 2004

WHOSE OUT THERE?

I almost don't want to ruin my previous post of beach feet by posting something over it...but such is life I suppose. So I noticed today that like 70 something people have checked out this site. Or at least looked at my profile. Thats pretty dodgy since I only gave the site address to a few close friends. It must mean people are blogging in. In which case they should be saying something. Come on people speak up......Hmm that being said I don't think i've made many posts that would facilitate or require a reply--Except for this one.

So any suggstions or comments would be greatly appreciated.

Sunday, August 08, 2004


Feet of friends, New Zealand

Say Goodbye and Raspberry Jam

I just finished making Raspberry jam. It seems an unlikely thing for me to do, but I decided recently that the best course of action to pursure in life is the unlikely.

I'm listening to Say Goodbye by Dave Matthews right now. It's a song about two close friends becoming lovers for one night. Dave introduces the song with the following introduction: "This song is, this is a song that seems like it should be true because it seems like a good idea. And uh and ummm--but it's not a good idea, it's uhh, it's a sack of crap. It's like uh, it's like I feel right now."


Saturday, August 07, 2004

i'm listening to sad songs

Don't know why I like this drawing so much...

i'm listening to sad songs

This is my life

It's early morning and drops of dew hang off the branches of trees. I'm crouched low behind some bushes, squinting to cover the whites of my eyes, to cover my presence. I'm down wind from a gazelle, gently grazing on some grass in a nearby clearing. Each movement is reflexively slow, cautionary, graceful. This is my religion. My Survival.

And with the elegant skill possesed by all predators I strike and kill my prey. Tonight my tribe will feast and I will be proud to have contibuted to our successful way of life. This is a life I know.

Tuesday, August 03, 2004

Fly Away

I can't think of anything meaniningful to write right now. You'll notice I'm still writing. I have a lot going through my mind. I feel like I'm sitting on this giant pile of sorted cards. Written on each card is a solution to a problem in my life, and each card is neatly in it's place. I feel exhasted, like I've had to sort all these cards on a windy day while sitting on them so they don't blow away, and I feel like someone has just come up to me and told me that I sorted the wrong stack or that stacks aren't allowed. I wish I could think of a better analogy.

It seems I'm frequently at odds with the different systems and cultural programs that I [That we all] let run my life. I guess I just have to stay positive, and maybe I should stop reading the books I do. I wonder at times if I would be content to simply sell-out my beliefs and values [Vision], if the influence of the culture surrounding me is powerful enough to completely brainwash me and make me forget that once I lived outside the box, and didn't need an expansionistic material mindset in order to survive.

This post belongs in my other blog...